The chief executive of G4S today admitted that he has just realised he does not have enough security guards to cover the London Olympics.
G4S won the contract bid in 2010, the conditions of which were to supply 2,000 security staff at Olympic venues, a figure which rose to 10,000 in 2011, at request of Games organisers.
‘It’s all gone terribly, terribly wrong,’ Mr Buckles said earlier today. ‘I found the whole thing rather confusing from the beginning, if I’m honest. The only way I could cope with such magnificently large numbers was to separate each number the Olympics people sent to me into gazillions, trillions, millions, hundreds of thousands, tens of thousands, thousands, hundreds, tens and units. Somewhere along the line, someone rubbed out all the columns preceding the thousands column, which sadly discombobulated me.’
Approximately 110,000 people applied for the advertised post, but due to the confusion with the columns, only seven were interviewed. ‘The interview process was extraordinarily complex, and rather tiresome,’ said Mr Buckles. ‘Each applicant had to be able to spell their name, effectively communicate in English, and be able to stand with their hands loosely clasped in front of them, their chin raised in a defiant manner, whilst throwing a menacing stare. Sadly, all the applicants we eventually recruited failed on the clasping of the hands. Some even toppled over. Don’t worry though. I have phoned the army.’
Karina Evans 2012
Saturday, 14 July 2012
Sunday, 17 June 2012
Gary Barlow awarded OBE
Take That frontman, Gary Barlow, has become an OBE in the Queen’s birthday honours list. The 41-year-old singer, songwriter, TV personality and lead organiser of the Queen’s recent Diamond Jubilee celebrations found worldwide success with pop group, Take That, in the 1990s.
Gary, who is a singer, songwriter, TV personality and lead organiser of the Queen’s recent Diamond Jubilee celebrations, is delighted at the honour. ‘I am delighted. Previous to this OBE, I was just a singer, songwriter, TV personality and lead organiser of the Queen’s recent Diamond Jubilee celebrations. It is all happening for me now, I am practically Simon Cowell. I have been trying to earn an OBE for weeks, ever since remembering that it is possible to get one for being helpful and kind.’
Gary, who is a singer, songwriter, TV personality and lead organiser of the Queen’s recent Diamond Jubilee celebrations, wrote most of Take That’s songs, except the ones ripped off from Barry Manilow, The Bee Gees and Dan Hartman. Barlow’s song-writing career peaked with an Ivor Novello award for the 1994 song, Pray, the lyrics of which are now apt in their emotion, with Barlow crooning ‘I’m so cold and all alone,’ a quote he has recently admitted to being directed at Her Majesty. ‘I just wanted a hug, really,’ Barlow admits. ‘I am a singer, songwriter, TV personality and lead organiser of the Queen’s recent Diamond Jubilee celebrations. I first clapped eyes on Her Majesty at a Royal Variety performance during Take That’s heyday. Nobody could possibly be warmer or more refined than Elizabeth, I could tell this from afar. When I tied myself up in the Pray video, I was tying myself up for her. When the guys wore hot-pants, yet I wore a suit, it was not because I was the fat, ugly one; it was because I am a singer, songwriter, TV personality and lead organiser of the Queen’s recent Diamond Jubilee celebrations and I was thinking of Liz and wanted to cover my erection. I am delighted. Not once has Elizabeth mentioned ‘Forever Love,’ or ‘Love Won’t Wait.’ No man is an island. I am a winner.’
Gary, who is a singer, songwriter, TV personality and lead organiser of the Queen’s recent Diamond Jubilee celebrations, is delighted at the honour. ‘I am delighted. Previous to this OBE, I was just a singer, songwriter, TV personality and lead organiser of the Queen’s recent Diamond Jubilee celebrations. It is all happening for me now, I am practically Simon Cowell. I have been trying to earn an OBE for weeks, ever since remembering that it is possible to get one for being helpful and kind.’
Gary, who is a singer, songwriter, TV personality and lead organiser of the Queen’s recent Diamond Jubilee celebrations, wrote most of Take That’s songs, except the ones ripped off from Barry Manilow, The Bee Gees and Dan Hartman. Barlow’s song-writing career peaked with an Ivor Novello award for the 1994 song, Pray, the lyrics of which are now apt in their emotion, with Barlow crooning ‘I’m so cold and all alone,’ a quote he has recently admitted to being directed at Her Majesty. ‘I just wanted a hug, really,’ Barlow admits. ‘I am a singer, songwriter, TV personality and lead organiser of the Queen’s recent Diamond Jubilee celebrations. I first clapped eyes on Her Majesty at a Royal Variety performance during Take That’s heyday. Nobody could possibly be warmer or more refined than Elizabeth, I could tell this from afar. When I tied myself up in the Pray video, I was tying myself up for her. When the guys wore hot-pants, yet I wore a suit, it was not because I was the fat, ugly one; it was because I am a singer, songwriter, TV personality and lead organiser of the Queen’s recent Diamond Jubilee celebrations and I was thinking of Liz and wanted to cover my erection. I am delighted. Not once has Elizabeth mentioned ‘Forever Love,’ or ‘Love Won’t Wait.’ No man is an island. I am a winner.’
Wednesday, 30 May 2012
Sunday, 20 May 2012
Facebook co-founder marries for (((hugz)))
Co-founder and CEO of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, today married his girlfriend in an 'intimate backyard ceremony.'
The couple tricked their family and friends into thinking the event was to mark the graduation of Zuckerberg's then girlfriend, Priscilla Chan.
'Mark created an event and added us to the guest list,' said one shocked wedding guest. 'I almost didn't go; I felt a bit tired and had run out of coffee LOL and felt a bit down and that, but someone said 'aww hun don't let em get you down ur betta than that,' so I went. I'm glad I did. There was a lot of food. I took photos of it and I shall post them on Facebook later so everyone can be sure I'm not hungry. ROFL.'
Mark and Priscilla poked each other thirteen times during the ceremony, which occurred a day after Facebook shares were floated on the stock exchange. The shares, disappointingly, closed just above the offering price of $38 a share, something which 28 year-old Mark is a bit annoyed about. 'Im a bit annoyed about the share thing lol,' said Mark last night. 'I expected them to make me richer than rich which is how rich I currently am. PMSL. Hugz? BRB. I'm off to 'like' my wife who 'likes' my shares. Do you have shares? They're there. How do you spell their? Their shares. They are shares. There shares. Their there they're. LOOOL.'
Karina Evans 2012
The couple tricked their family and friends into thinking the event was to mark the graduation of Zuckerberg's then girlfriend, Priscilla Chan.
'Mark created an event and added us to the guest list,' said one shocked wedding guest. 'I almost didn't go; I felt a bit tired and had run out of coffee LOL and felt a bit down and that, but someone said 'aww hun don't let em get you down ur betta than that,' so I went. I'm glad I did. There was a lot of food. I took photos of it and I shall post them on Facebook later so everyone can be sure I'm not hungry. ROFL.'
Mark and Priscilla poked each other thirteen times during the ceremony, which occurred a day after Facebook shares were floated on the stock exchange. The shares, disappointingly, closed just above the offering price of $38 a share, something which 28 year-old Mark is a bit annoyed about. 'Im a bit annoyed about the share thing lol,' said Mark last night. 'I expected them to make me richer than rich which is how rich I currently am. PMSL. Hugz? BRB. I'm off to 'like' my wife who 'likes' my shares. Do you have shares? They're there. How do you spell their? Their shares. They are shares. There shares. Their there they're. LOOOL.'
Karina Evans 2012
Sunday, 13 May 2012
William Hague teaches people things
Foreign Secretary William Hague has suggested that businesses ‘pull their socks up and send more stuff abroad.’ Mr Hague, in an interview with the Sunday Telegraph, stated that the UK should implement a brand new growth strategy, involving, not least, a higher production of goods and exportation.
‘We, as a country, need to reorientate,’ laughed Mr Hague. ‘I am painfully aware that Microsoft Word 2010 does not think ‘reorientate’ is actually a proper word, but I know it is. It is my word-baby. Try it on Scrabble, you could earn upwards of eleven points if placed correctly.’
Mr Hague, dressed as a school-teacher, also hollered that we need to ‘do more with less,’ stating this is the way to rescue the work ethic. He bellowed: ‘people need to learn to not really listen to me. I make stuff up. Businesses need to send stuff abroad. Everyone should leave on a jet-plane, taking their stuff with them. They should sell it, make money, make twice as much money, give money to me. Toilet roll could be sent abroad. You get twice as much toilet roll as you think, you know.’ Mr Hague demonstrated how to pull apart a two-ply sheet of tissue, before shouting: ‘your finger may go through it, but who cares? We don’t, not if it is sent abroad. Finger up arse. I am not the Foreign Secretary for nothing. Gobbledegook. Also, we could send watered-down ketchup and dried-out teabags. Teabags. Teabagging. I am not a gay. My throat is sore.’
Karina Evans 2012
‘We, as a country, need to reorientate,’ laughed Mr Hague. ‘I am painfully aware that Microsoft Word 2010 does not think ‘reorientate’ is actually a proper word, but I know it is. It is my word-baby. Try it on Scrabble, you could earn upwards of eleven points if placed correctly.’
Mr Hague, dressed as a school-teacher, also hollered that we need to ‘do more with less,’ stating this is the way to rescue the work ethic. He bellowed: ‘people need to learn to not really listen to me. I make stuff up. Businesses need to send stuff abroad. Everyone should leave on a jet-plane, taking their stuff with them. They should sell it, make money, make twice as much money, give money to me. Toilet roll could be sent abroad. You get twice as much toilet roll as you think, you know.’ Mr Hague demonstrated how to pull apart a two-ply sheet of tissue, before shouting: ‘your finger may go through it, but who cares? We don’t, not if it is sent abroad. Finger up arse. I am not the Foreign Secretary for nothing. Gobbledegook. Also, we could send watered-down ketchup and dried-out teabags. Teabags. Teabagging. I am not a gay. My throat is sore.’
Karina Evans 2012
Thursday, 19 April 2012
Olympic torch really very broken
Stringent tests have been carried out on the Olympic torch to ensure it is capable of withstanding anything that could possible happen to it, ever. The tests were conducted by Basildon-based Tecoism Technical Simulation, working alongside Bullfinch; the engineers who designed the burner inside the torch.
The torch needed to be able to withstand extremes of temperature, extremes of weather and certain other criteria, before being described as weatherproof by Olympic organisers, Locog.
Tecoism’s MD, Stuart Hawker, oversaw the tests, before the findings were reported back to Locog; the Olympic organisers.
‘I oversaw the tests on Torchy,’ states Mr Hawker, fondly. ‘We needed to make sure that not only could Torchy bear up in this hideous English weather, but that she could also be abused with little or no physical ramifications. It is for this reason, and ONLY this reason, that I have a bit of Torchy left inside my anus. It is certainly a minor infection risk.’
Clare Pelly was project manager for torch production for Locog. ‘We thoroughly enjoyed pushing the torch to the very limits of its capabilities. Sadly, we can’t trust the general public to light it and turn it off and all that shit, what with their crapness at barbecues and whatnot, so we have asked the Metropolitan Police to waste their resources on being Torch turnerofferers. Operation Torcherfucker. Also, whilst you’re here: it was ME who sucked up all the water from the reservoirs with a straw. I am saving it for the opening ceremony, whereupon I shall spit it into cups for the overseas visitors. Overseas visitors are, incidentally, phenomenally more important than residents of the United Kingdom. Sadly, after all the stringent tests, the torch is now really fucking broken. Broken Britain. Fucking Tories. Broken fucking Tory Britain. Fuck ‘em. Set fire to them. Set fire to the Tories. Dance with me.’
Karina Evans 2012
The torch needed to be able to withstand extremes of temperature, extremes of weather and certain other criteria, before being described as weatherproof by Olympic organisers, Locog.
Tecoism’s MD, Stuart Hawker, oversaw the tests, before the findings were reported back to Locog; the Olympic organisers.
‘I oversaw the tests on Torchy,’ states Mr Hawker, fondly. ‘We needed to make sure that not only could Torchy bear up in this hideous English weather, but that she could also be abused with little or no physical ramifications. It is for this reason, and ONLY this reason, that I have a bit of Torchy left inside my anus. It is certainly a minor infection risk.’
Clare Pelly was project manager for torch production for Locog. ‘We thoroughly enjoyed pushing the torch to the very limits of its capabilities. Sadly, we can’t trust the general public to light it and turn it off and all that shit, what with their crapness at barbecues and whatnot, so we have asked the Metropolitan Police to waste their resources on being Torch turnerofferers. Operation Torcherfucker. Also, whilst you’re here: it was ME who sucked up all the water from the reservoirs with a straw. I am saving it for the opening ceremony, whereupon I shall spit it into cups for the overseas visitors. Overseas visitors are, incidentally, phenomenally more important than residents of the United Kingdom. Sadly, after all the stringent tests, the torch is now really fucking broken. Broken Britain. Fucking Tories. Broken fucking Tory Britain. Fuck ‘em. Set fire to them. Set fire to the Tories. Dance with me.’
Karina Evans 2012
Sunday, 15 April 2012
Campaign to end obesity crisis
Doctors’ organisations in the country are working together to form a campaign to combat the United Kingdom’s obesity epidemic. The campaign proposes exercise awareness, ‘fat taxes’ and banning or restricting fast-food advertising.
‘Up to twenty-five percent of the United Kingdom’s population are said to be obese, but it is very difficult to pinpoint an exact number as they sort of wobble into each other, making it impossible to count them,’ says Professor Terence Stephenson, a spokesman for the campaign. ‘Imagine two jellies on a plate; a yellow one and an orange one. If you shake them to parody fat people walking, you will see they touch each other and soon begin to BECOME each other. Yum. This is why I can’t count fat people. And also because I have only ten fingers, two of which are thumbs, and there are more than ten fat people in the UK.’
The Royal Medical Colleges and Faculties are also concerned about the Olympic sponsorship from the fast-food giant; McDonalds. ‘McDonalds makes people fat. This is a fact. A fact which fucking worries me. It fucking worries me that people will travel from other countries to watch the healthy, sexy, Olympic games and be encouraged to eat seventy-five burgers, then go home all fat,’ mutters a spokesman through a mouthful of Haribo. ‘This will result in one of seven outcomes. The first potential outcome is the world tipping clean off its fucking axis due to all the fatty chompers and we will all fall off. Secondly, when our Olympic visitors return home, their family and friends will notice they have become fat whilst in England, therefore England will henceforth be known as FuckingFattyland and we will be internationally bullied. Seventhly, and definitely most terribly; our beautiful, skinny, skinny, beautiful athletes will start eating burgers instead of raw eggs, spinach and tofu; they’ll be too fat to run. Fat is not sexy. Thin is sexy. I am a pest.’
Professor Stephenson suggests that a ‘fat tax’ and pointing and laughing at fat people is the most effective way of dealing with the growing issue. ‘There is nothing like humiliation to garner enthusiasm,’ he says whilst masturbating furiously. ‘Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to persecute them, I am merely trying to control the huge number of them. They are no longer fetishist if you see hundreds every day, wobbling their delicious flesh. Squash me.’
‘Up to twenty-five percent of the United Kingdom’s population are said to be obese, but it is very difficult to pinpoint an exact number as they sort of wobble into each other, making it impossible to count them,’ says Professor Terence Stephenson, a spokesman for the campaign. ‘Imagine two jellies on a plate; a yellow one and an orange one. If you shake them to parody fat people walking, you will see they touch each other and soon begin to BECOME each other. Yum. This is why I can’t count fat people. And also because I have only ten fingers, two of which are thumbs, and there are more than ten fat people in the UK.’
The Royal Medical Colleges and Faculties are also concerned about the Olympic sponsorship from the fast-food giant; McDonalds. ‘McDonalds makes people fat. This is a fact. A fact which fucking worries me. It fucking worries me that people will travel from other countries to watch the healthy, sexy, Olympic games and be encouraged to eat seventy-five burgers, then go home all fat,’ mutters a spokesman through a mouthful of Haribo. ‘This will result in one of seven outcomes. The first potential outcome is the world tipping clean off its fucking axis due to all the fatty chompers and we will all fall off. Secondly, when our Olympic visitors return home, their family and friends will notice they have become fat whilst in England, therefore England will henceforth be known as FuckingFattyland and we will be internationally bullied. Seventhly, and definitely most terribly; our beautiful, skinny, skinny, beautiful athletes will start eating burgers instead of raw eggs, spinach and tofu; they’ll be too fat to run. Fat is not sexy. Thin is sexy. I am a pest.’
Professor Stephenson suggests that a ‘fat tax’ and pointing and laughing at fat people is the most effective way of dealing with the growing issue. ‘There is nothing like humiliation to garner enthusiasm,’ he says whilst masturbating furiously. ‘Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to persecute them, I am merely trying to control the huge number of them. They are no longer fetishist if you see hundreds every day, wobbling their delicious flesh. Squash me.’
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