Take That frontman, Gary Barlow, has become an OBE in the Queen’s birthday honours list. The 41-year-old singer, songwriter, TV personality and lead organiser of the Queen’s recent Diamond Jubilee celebrations found worldwide success with pop group, Take That, in the 1990s.
Gary, who is a singer, songwriter, TV personality and lead organiser of the Queen’s recent Diamond Jubilee celebrations, is delighted at the honour. ‘I am delighted. Previous to this OBE, I was just a singer, songwriter, TV personality and lead organiser of the Queen’s recent Diamond Jubilee celebrations. It is all happening for me now, I am practically Simon Cowell. I have been trying to earn an OBE for weeks, ever since remembering that it is possible to get one for being helpful and kind.’
Gary, who is a singer, songwriter, TV personality and lead organiser of the Queen’s recent Diamond Jubilee celebrations, wrote most of Take That’s songs, except the ones ripped off from Barry Manilow, The Bee Gees and Dan Hartman. Barlow’s song-writing career peaked with an Ivor Novello award for the 1994 song, Pray, the lyrics of which are now apt in their emotion, with Barlow crooning ‘I’m so cold and all alone,’ a quote he has recently admitted to being directed at Her Majesty. ‘I just wanted a hug, really,’ Barlow admits. ‘I am a singer, songwriter, TV personality and lead organiser of the Queen’s recent Diamond Jubilee celebrations. I first clapped eyes on Her Majesty at a Royal Variety performance during Take That’s heyday. Nobody could possibly be warmer or more refined than Elizabeth, I could tell this from afar. When I tied myself up in the Pray video, I was tying myself up for her. When the guys wore hot-pants, yet I wore a suit, it was not because I was the fat, ugly one; it was because I am a singer, songwriter, TV personality and lead organiser of the Queen’s recent Diamond Jubilee celebrations and I was thinking of Liz and wanted to cover my erection. I am delighted. Not once has Elizabeth mentioned ‘Forever Love,’ or ‘Love Won’t Wait.’ No man is an island. I am a winner.’
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Sunday, 17 June 2012
Friday, 28 October 2011
Government considering letting us make up the time
Government ministers are considering letting us decide what time it is, in a bold new proposal. Ministers are using night-lights to illuminate their surroundings as they write letters to counterparts in Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales, suggesting a trial. The proposal suggests that instead of putting clocks forward and backwards and backwards and forwards; as we currently do; we would become in charge of our own destiny and decide for ourselves what time it feels like it could possibly be.
If the proposal goes ahead, the change would mean that for one autumn, the clocks would remain the same. After one sleep, we would all be able to look out of the window and decide what time we think it should be. Daily Mail columnist, Peter Hitchens, is a critic of the proposed change.
‘It’s not just Scotland that will suffer,’ Mr Hitchens states firmly, ‘it will also affect milkmaids and Daily Mail readers. Milkmaids will be unable to see udders, and Daily Mail readers will be unable to see the print in the newspaper, thus rendered incapable of absorbing fodder for casual, acceptable racism. Do Poland and gypsies do the DST thing?’
The Daylight Savings Private Members’ Bill was put forward by Conservative MP, Rebecca Harris.
‘This is not a case of ‘Oh, let’s make up the fucking time, again,’ states Ms Harris, ‘I will not stand for all that malarkey; it’s about deciding when it looks like the evening and getting pissed.’ Ms Harris glugs from a bottle of Frosty Jack’s, before whispering: ‘it’s eight pm: look at that window. Oh. It’s a fish tank.’
If the proposal goes ahead, the change would mean that for one autumn, the clocks would remain the same. After one sleep, we would all be able to look out of the window and decide what time we think it should be. Daily Mail columnist, Peter Hitchens, is a critic of the proposed change.
‘It’s not just Scotland that will suffer,’ Mr Hitchens states firmly, ‘it will also affect milkmaids and Daily Mail readers. Milkmaids will be unable to see udders, and Daily Mail readers will be unable to see the print in the newspaper, thus rendered incapable of absorbing fodder for casual, acceptable racism. Do Poland and gypsies do the DST thing?’
The Daylight Savings Private Members’ Bill was put forward by Conservative MP, Rebecca Harris.
‘This is not a case of ‘Oh, let’s make up the fucking time, again,’ states Ms Harris, ‘I will not stand for all that malarkey; it’s about deciding when it looks like the evening and getting pissed.’ Ms Harris glugs from a bottle of Frosty Jack’s, before whispering: ‘it’s eight pm: look at that window. Oh. It’s a fish tank.’
Sunday, 31 October 2010
Baby Modelling Contest NOT hijacked admit Next
High street fashion chain, Next, have admitted that offensive comments and death threats posted on Facebook came directly from them, not a hacker as first reported.
The comments were posted as the chain launched a Facebook page to find two new baby models, and were directed at the parents of the 'really fucking ugly' babies.
'The standard was appallingly low,' states a Next spokesperson. 'We had to swiftly address the issue. Every morning we would check Facebook, praying for a sexy little mite, only to be faced with skinny, ugly fuckers. Nobody wants to buy clothes that have been modelled by a fucking ugly, probably bastard, child. They should actually die.'
The mother of one of the 'fucking ugly' children says resignedly: 'Yes, Lambreeney is fucking ugly, I very much appreciate being told. I have now drowned him.'
Karina Evans 2010
The comments were posted as the chain launched a Facebook page to find two new baby models, and were directed at the parents of the 'really fucking ugly' babies.
'The standard was appallingly low,' states a Next spokesperson. 'We had to swiftly address the issue. Every morning we would check Facebook, praying for a sexy little mite, only to be faced with skinny, ugly fuckers. Nobody wants to buy clothes that have been modelled by a fucking ugly, probably bastard, child. They should actually die.'
The mother of one of the 'fucking ugly' children says resignedly: 'Yes, Lambreeney is fucking ugly, I very much appreciate being told. I have now drowned him.'
Karina Evans 2010
Monday, 25 October 2010
Romanian Children Found Working in Magical Forest
Seven Romanian children between the ages of nine and sixteen have been found working in a magical forest in Worcestershire.
The children were discovered by the Gangmasters Licensing Authority (GLA), who described the situation as ‘disturbingly quirky’.
Linda Boyle, of the GLA, said: ‘I had heard rumours that children were picking mushrooms in forests locally, and decided to go and have a look for myself. It was disturbingly quirky. I tiptoed over to watch them work; they picked the mushrooms, then they dried them, then they sold them to a man in a hooded pullover. If they didn't give him enough, he lovingly whipped them with the handle end of a firearm. They held some back and made me a mushroomy cup of tea, as they had no herbal shit. Look. Everything is covered in glitter.'
Ms Boyle pauses before continuing: ‘They are all quite short, therefore have been taken into police protection until suitable accommodation can be found for them. I feel pretty. Oh, so pretty. I feel pretty. And witty. And bright.'
The children were all adequately dressed for the cold conditions, in lovely green suits, pointy shoes and hats with bells on the end. ‘Safety was not an issue,' stresses Ms Boyle. ‘The bell-ended hats ensured the other elves heard them coming. They were having a fucking wonderful time. Fucking wonderful.'
The children were discovered by the Gangmasters Licensing Authority (GLA), who described the situation as ‘disturbingly quirky’.
Linda Boyle, of the GLA, said: ‘I had heard rumours that children were picking mushrooms in forests locally, and decided to go and have a look for myself. It was disturbingly quirky. I tiptoed over to watch them work; they picked the mushrooms, then they dried them, then they sold them to a man in a hooded pullover. If they didn't give him enough, he lovingly whipped them with the handle end of a firearm. They held some back and made me a mushroomy cup of tea, as they had no herbal shit. Look. Everything is covered in glitter.'
Ms Boyle pauses before continuing: ‘They are all quite short, therefore have been taken into police protection until suitable accommodation can be found for them. I feel pretty. Oh, so pretty. I feel pretty. And witty. And bright.'
The children were all adequately dressed for the cold conditions, in lovely green suits, pointy shoes and hats with bells on the end. ‘Safety was not an issue,' stresses Ms Boyle. ‘The bell-ended hats ensured the other elves heard them coming. They were having a fucking wonderful time. Fucking wonderful.'
Friday, 22 October 2010
Euromillions winners to remain anonymous
The winners of the £113 million Euromillions prize have finally come forward to claim their money. They are believed to be a syndicate of four men, who do not wish their identities to be revealed in case people insist they buy them presents.
'We do not wish for our identities to be revealed' said 44-year-old David Cameron from London. 'I have an important job and lots of money anyway, and more money I can claim back in taxes, and more money from taking money from people, and now I have even more money. I think if people know who I am, those people might want me to buy them presents or give them back some of their money that I took from the money they earned'.
Another member of the syndicate, 24-year-old Wayne Rooney, declined to comment, merely shouting 'Old. Whore. Fisting. Here. Please' out of the hotel window, in the general direction of a local bingo hall. He caught the eye of a passing geriatric, who struggled up the stairs clutching a pot of Vaseline and some fingerless gloves. She also declined to comment, but is believed to be Marjorie Trent, an unemployed 97-year-old, with a DWP-subsidised colour television licence.
The third winner is definitely George Osborne. George has been in hiding since Tuesday. Reports suggest that he had been slowly and miserably masturbating with £50 notes, before his Polish cleaner, also in the Euromillions syndicate, waved the winning ticket at him. Dariusz Wysocki, 16 is reported to be the brains behind the recent UK spending cut, despite only knowing 3 English words: 'yes', 'George' and 'harder'.
The four have stated that the money will not change them, vowing that they will remain 'smug, gerontophile, nationally loathed, mercenary wankers'.
'We do not wish for our identities to be revealed' said 44-year-old David Cameron from London. 'I have an important job and lots of money anyway, and more money I can claim back in taxes, and more money from taking money from people, and now I have even more money. I think if people know who I am, those people might want me to buy them presents or give them back some of their money that I took from the money they earned'.
Another member of the syndicate, 24-year-old Wayne Rooney, declined to comment, merely shouting 'Old. Whore. Fisting. Here. Please' out of the hotel window, in the general direction of a local bingo hall. He caught the eye of a passing geriatric, who struggled up the stairs clutching a pot of Vaseline and some fingerless gloves. She also declined to comment, but is believed to be Marjorie Trent, an unemployed 97-year-old, with a DWP-subsidised colour television licence.
The third winner is definitely George Osborne. George has been in hiding since Tuesday. Reports suggest that he had been slowly and miserably masturbating with £50 notes, before his Polish cleaner, also in the Euromillions syndicate, waved the winning ticket at him. Dariusz Wysocki, 16 is reported to be the brains behind the recent UK spending cut, despite only knowing 3 English words: 'yes', 'George' and 'harder'.
The four have stated that the money will not change them, vowing that they will remain 'smug, gerontophile, nationally loathed, mercenary wankers'.
Tuesday, 19 October 2010
Government in licence discussion with BBC
Government ministers are in talks to force the BBC to pay for pensioners’ television licences. The talks came about as it was realised that old people are much more important than young people, therefore deserve to watch the television more than they do.
A government minister last night confirmed that ‘young people are mostly wankers, which is why we have only ever paid for old people’s licences'
Government research indicates that middle-aged people won't mind paying an extra £20 on top of their existing television licences, and are happy to be forced to share their hard-earned money with old people. This will absorb any cost to the BBC, thus making them a bit happier about the whole thing.
The government minister continues 'Old people are our favourite type of people; they are all well-behaved and have good taste in clothes. However, we are going to stop paying for their stuff, because we think it would be a nice gesture if someone else did it for a while’.
The DWP, who currently pay the fee, are at loggerheads with the BBC, who are reluctant to dent their budget. The DWP justify this move by likening it to 'it being your turn to call your mother. If you forget, she will likely never speak to you again'.
A BBC spokeswoman uneasily commented ‘We might now be forced to pay for the old buggers' television licences. I’m not particularly fond of old people anyway, so it makes me angry that the DWP people told us it is our turn to give them stuff. They smell of cabbage and lavender; that’s not a myth, it is actually true; I smelt one on the bus the other day’.
The BBC make a paltry income of £3.49 billion from licence fees, an income which, their spokesman states, they can ill afford to reduce. A breakdown of costs reveals that last year they spent most of it on buying an enormous red sofa and some costume jewellery for their news presenters.
‘They have to spend at least £2 billion on shiny stuff for me’, says news presenter Susanna Reid. ‘And they have to buy me stuff to make my tits look bigger too’.
A government minister last night confirmed that ‘young people are mostly wankers, which is why we have only ever paid for old people’s licences'
Government research indicates that middle-aged people won't mind paying an extra £20 on top of their existing television licences, and are happy to be forced to share their hard-earned money with old people. This will absorb any cost to the BBC, thus making them a bit happier about the whole thing.
The government minister continues 'Old people are our favourite type of people; they are all well-behaved and have good taste in clothes. However, we are going to stop paying for their stuff, because we think it would be a nice gesture if someone else did it for a while’.
The DWP, who currently pay the fee, are at loggerheads with the BBC, who are reluctant to dent their budget. The DWP justify this move by likening it to 'it being your turn to call your mother. If you forget, she will likely never speak to you again'.
A BBC spokeswoman uneasily commented ‘We might now be forced to pay for the old buggers' television licences. I’m not particularly fond of old people anyway, so it makes me angry that the DWP people told us it is our turn to give them stuff. They smell of cabbage and lavender; that’s not a myth, it is actually true; I smelt one on the bus the other day’.
The BBC make a paltry income of £3.49 billion from licence fees, an income which, their spokesman states, they can ill afford to reduce. A breakdown of costs reveals that last year they spent most of it on buying an enormous red sofa and some costume jewellery for their news presenters.
‘They have to spend at least £2 billion on shiny stuff for me’, says news presenter Susanna Reid. ‘And they have to buy me stuff to make my tits look bigger too’.
Location:Parker Rd,Hastings,United Kingdom
Tuesday, 12 October 2010
Chain emails
My new favourite pastime:
Chain emails DO work
An email survey has concluded that chain emails DO work. A survey of 75,358,502 recipients of one particular chain email has shown that the ‘forwarders’ of the email all received amazing stuff.
The email involved in the study promises readers 25 years of amazing stuff if they forward the self-harming angel to 100 recipients. The study shows that one percent of the readers do so, mainly because they believe the email curse warning that they will get stuck down a mine, or their ears will fall off, if they don’t.
‘Basically, I didn’t want to be left with no ears,’ states Elyzabyth, aged 29, from Essex, before poignantly adding ‘my ears are useful.'
Not only do Elyzybeth, and about 753,000 others still have the use of their ears, they have also been blessed with other amazing stuff. EeJiT, 12, from West Hastings, states that following the email, his luck began to change:
‘I returned home from burgling to find six pence in smash [young speak for ‘coppers’] under my bread bin. That mashed-up angel bird put it there. Them’s a gift from her. Then I found out that weird man from the telly had been fired from all telly channels as he is a dirty paedo. Innit. This is more than one of them coincidences.'
Tellingly, it is reported that the Chilean miners each received this very email on their Blackberry mobiles just HOURS before the fateful descent into that dark shaft thing. Luckily, they are relatively unscathed; initial reports suggest all ears remain intact. However, a recent email rumour suggests that one miner may have suffered a quite disgusting scratch to the top of his left ear, just by the folded-over bit.
The advice given by head researcher, Eggleton Smith, is to forward the self-harming angel, as otherwise stuff might happen that's not very nice. 'Forward the self-harming ange,', Eggleton says, 'otherwise, stuff might happen that's not very nice.'
Karina Evans 2010
Chain emails DO work
An email survey has concluded that chain emails DO work. A survey of 75,358,502 recipients of one particular chain email has shown that the ‘forwarders’ of the email all received amazing stuff.
The email involved in the study promises readers 25 years of amazing stuff if they forward the self-harming angel to 100 recipients. The study shows that one percent of the readers do so, mainly because they believe the email curse warning that they will get stuck down a mine, or their ears will fall off, if they don’t.
‘Basically, I didn’t want to be left with no ears,’ states Elyzabyth, aged 29, from Essex, before poignantly adding ‘my ears are useful.'
Not only do Elyzybeth, and about 753,000 others still have the use of their ears, they have also been blessed with other amazing stuff. EeJiT, 12, from West Hastings, states that following the email, his luck began to change:
‘I returned home from burgling to find six pence in smash [young speak for ‘coppers’] under my bread bin. That mashed-up angel bird put it there. Them’s a gift from her. Then I found out that weird man from the telly had been fired from all telly channels as he is a dirty paedo. Innit. This is more than one of them coincidences.'
Tellingly, it is reported that the Chilean miners each received this very email on their Blackberry mobiles just HOURS before the fateful descent into that dark shaft thing. Luckily, they are relatively unscathed; initial reports suggest all ears remain intact. However, a recent email rumour suggests that one miner may have suffered a quite disgusting scratch to the top of his left ear, just by the folded-over bit.
The advice given by head researcher, Eggleton Smith, is to forward the self-harming angel, as otherwise stuff might happen that's not very nice. 'Forward the self-harming ange,', Eggleton says, 'otherwise, stuff might happen that's not very nice.'
Karina Evans 2010
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