High street fashion chain, Next, have admitted that offensive comments and death threats posted on Facebook came directly from them, not a hacker as first reported.
The comments were posted as the chain launched a Facebook page to find two new baby models, and were directed at the parents of the 'really fucking ugly' babies.
'The standard was appallingly low,' states a Next spokesperson. 'We had to swiftly address the issue. Every morning we would check Facebook, praying for a sexy little mite, only to be faced with skinny, ugly fuckers. Nobody wants to buy clothes that have been modelled by a fucking ugly, probably bastard, child. They should actually die.'
The mother of one of the 'fucking ugly' children says resignedly: 'Yes, Lambreeney is fucking ugly, I very much appreciate being told. I have now drowned him.'
Karina Evans 2010
Showing posts with label gimp. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gimp. Show all posts
Sunday, 31 October 2010
Friday, 22 October 2010
Euromillions winners to remain anonymous
The winners of the £113 million Euromillions prize have finally come forward to claim their money. They are believed to be a syndicate of four men, who do not wish their identities to be revealed in case people insist they buy them presents.
'We do not wish for our identities to be revealed' said 44-year-old David Cameron from London. 'I have an important job and lots of money anyway, and more money I can claim back in taxes, and more money from taking money from people, and now I have even more money. I think if people know who I am, those people might want me to buy them presents or give them back some of their money that I took from the money they earned'.
Another member of the syndicate, 24-year-old Wayne Rooney, declined to comment, merely shouting 'Old. Whore. Fisting. Here. Please' out of the hotel window, in the general direction of a local bingo hall. He caught the eye of a passing geriatric, who struggled up the stairs clutching a pot of Vaseline and some fingerless gloves. She also declined to comment, but is believed to be Marjorie Trent, an unemployed 97-year-old, with a DWP-subsidised colour television licence.
The third winner is definitely George Osborne. George has been in hiding since Tuesday. Reports suggest that he had been slowly and miserably masturbating with £50 notes, before his Polish cleaner, also in the Euromillions syndicate, waved the winning ticket at him. Dariusz Wysocki, 16 is reported to be the brains behind the recent UK spending cut, despite only knowing 3 English words: 'yes', 'George' and 'harder'.
The four have stated that the money will not change them, vowing that they will remain 'smug, gerontophile, nationally loathed, mercenary wankers'.
'We do not wish for our identities to be revealed' said 44-year-old David Cameron from London. 'I have an important job and lots of money anyway, and more money I can claim back in taxes, and more money from taking money from people, and now I have even more money. I think if people know who I am, those people might want me to buy them presents or give them back some of their money that I took from the money they earned'.
Another member of the syndicate, 24-year-old Wayne Rooney, declined to comment, merely shouting 'Old. Whore. Fisting. Here. Please' out of the hotel window, in the general direction of a local bingo hall. He caught the eye of a passing geriatric, who struggled up the stairs clutching a pot of Vaseline and some fingerless gloves. She also declined to comment, but is believed to be Marjorie Trent, an unemployed 97-year-old, with a DWP-subsidised colour television licence.
The third winner is definitely George Osborne. George has been in hiding since Tuesday. Reports suggest that he had been slowly and miserably masturbating with £50 notes, before his Polish cleaner, also in the Euromillions syndicate, waved the winning ticket at him. Dariusz Wysocki, 16 is reported to be the brains behind the recent UK spending cut, despite only knowing 3 English words: 'yes', 'George' and 'harder'.
The four have stated that the money will not change them, vowing that they will remain 'smug, gerontophile, nationally loathed, mercenary wankers'.
Tuesday, 19 October 2010
Government in licence discussion with BBC
Government ministers are in talks to force the BBC to pay for pensioners’ television licences. The talks came about as it was realised that old people are much more important than young people, therefore deserve to watch the television more than they do.
A government minister last night confirmed that ‘young people are mostly wankers, which is why we have only ever paid for old people’s licences'
Government research indicates that middle-aged people won't mind paying an extra £20 on top of their existing television licences, and are happy to be forced to share their hard-earned money with old people. This will absorb any cost to the BBC, thus making them a bit happier about the whole thing.
The government minister continues 'Old people are our favourite type of people; they are all well-behaved and have good taste in clothes. However, we are going to stop paying for their stuff, because we think it would be a nice gesture if someone else did it for a while’.
The DWP, who currently pay the fee, are at loggerheads with the BBC, who are reluctant to dent their budget. The DWP justify this move by likening it to 'it being your turn to call your mother. If you forget, she will likely never speak to you again'.
A BBC spokeswoman uneasily commented ‘We might now be forced to pay for the old buggers' television licences. I’m not particularly fond of old people anyway, so it makes me angry that the DWP people told us it is our turn to give them stuff. They smell of cabbage and lavender; that’s not a myth, it is actually true; I smelt one on the bus the other day’.
The BBC make a paltry income of £3.49 billion from licence fees, an income which, their spokesman states, they can ill afford to reduce. A breakdown of costs reveals that last year they spent most of it on buying an enormous red sofa and some costume jewellery for their news presenters.
‘They have to spend at least £2 billion on shiny stuff for me’, says news presenter Susanna Reid. ‘And they have to buy me stuff to make my tits look bigger too’.
A government minister last night confirmed that ‘young people are mostly wankers, which is why we have only ever paid for old people’s licences'
Government research indicates that middle-aged people won't mind paying an extra £20 on top of their existing television licences, and are happy to be forced to share their hard-earned money with old people. This will absorb any cost to the BBC, thus making them a bit happier about the whole thing.
The government minister continues 'Old people are our favourite type of people; they are all well-behaved and have good taste in clothes. However, we are going to stop paying for their stuff, because we think it would be a nice gesture if someone else did it for a while’.
The DWP, who currently pay the fee, are at loggerheads with the BBC, who are reluctant to dent their budget. The DWP justify this move by likening it to 'it being your turn to call your mother. If you forget, she will likely never speak to you again'.
A BBC spokeswoman uneasily commented ‘We might now be forced to pay for the old buggers' television licences. I’m not particularly fond of old people anyway, so it makes me angry that the DWP people told us it is our turn to give them stuff. They smell of cabbage and lavender; that’s not a myth, it is actually true; I smelt one on the bus the other day’.
The BBC make a paltry income of £3.49 billion from licence fees, an income which, their spokesman states, they can ill afford to reduce. A breakdown of costs reveals that last year they spent most of it on buying an enormous red sofa and some costume jewellery for their news presenters.
‘They have to spend at least £2 billion on shiny stuff for me’, says news presenter Susanna Reid. ‘And they have to buy me stuff to make my tits look bigger too’.
Location:Parker Rd,Hastings,United Kingdom
Tuesday, 12 October 2010
Chain emails
My new favourite pastime:
Chain emails DO work
An email survey has concluded that chain emails DO work. A survey of 75,358,502 recipients of one particular chain email has shown that the ‘forwarders’ of the email all received amazing stuff.
The email involved in the study promises readers 25 years of amazing stuff if they forward the self-harming angel to 100 recipients. The study shows that one percent of the readers do so, mainly because they believe the email curse warning that they will get stuck down a mine, or their ears will fall off, if they don’t.
‘Basically, I didn’t want to be left with no ears,’ states Elyzabyth, aged 29, from Essex, before poignantly adding ‘my ears are useful.'
Not only do Elyzybeth, and about 753,000 others still have the use of their ears, they have also been blessed with other amazing stuff. EeJiT, 12, from West Hastings, states that following the email, his luck began to change:
‘I returned home from burgling to find six pence in smash [young speak for ‘coppers’] under my bread bin. That mashed-up angel bird put it there. Them’s a gift from her. Then I found out that weird man from the telly had been fired from all telly channels as he is a dirty paedo. Innit. This is more than one of them coincidences.'
Tellingly, it is reported that the Chilean miners each received this very email on their Blackberry mobiles just HOURS before the fateful descent into that dark shaft thing. Luckily, they are relatively unscathed; initial reports suggest all ears remain intact. However, a recent email rumour suggests that one miner may have suffered a quite disgusting scratch to the top of his left ear, just by the folded-over bit.
The advice given by head researcher, Eggleton Smith, is to forward the self-harming angel, as otherwise stuff might happen that's not very nice. 'Forward the self-harming ange,', Eggleton says, 'otherwise, stuff might happen that's not very nice.'
Karina Evans 2010
Chain emails DO work
An email survey has concluded that chain emails DO work. A survey of 75,358,502 recipients of one particular chain email has shown that the ‘forwarders’ of the email all received amazing stuff.
The email involved in the study promises readers 25 years of amazing stuff if they forward the self-harming angel to 100 recipients. The study shows that one percent of the readers do so, mainly because they believe the email curse warning that they will get stuck down a mine, or their ears will fall off, if they don’t.
‘Basically, I didn’t want to be left with no ears,’ states Elyzabyth, aged 29, from Essex, before poignantly adding ‘my ears are useful.'
Not only do Elyzybeth, and about 753,000 others still have the use of their ears, they have also been blessed with other amazing stuff. EeJiT, 12, from West Hastings, states that following the email, his luck began to change:
‘I returned home from burgling to find six pence in smash [young speak for ‘coppers’] under my bread bin. That mashed-up angel bird put it there. Them’s a gift from her. Then I found out that weird man from the telly had been fired from all telly channels as he is a dirty paedo. Innit. This is more than one of them coincidences.'
Tellingly, it is reported that the Chilean miners each received this very email on their Blackberry mobiles just HOURS before the fateful descent into that dark shaft thing. Luckily, they are relatively unscathed; initial reports suggest all ears remain intact. However, a recent email rumour suggests that one miner may have suffered a quite disgusting scratch to the top of his left ear, just by the folded-over bit.
The advice given by head researcher, Eggleton Smith, is to forward the self-harming angel, as otherwise stuff might happen that's not very nice. 'Forward the self-harming ange,', Eggleton says, 'otherwise, stuff might happen that's not very nice.'
Karina Evans 2010
Tuesday, 15 June 2010
Round and round and round
I am at work. 'What a stupid time to be at work', I hear you cry, and I am inclined to agree. This is for three main reasons: the first being that it is four-oh-fucking-five in the morning. The second is that I have had to bloody well drive all the way to Eastbourne for the 'pleasure', and the third that I have been temporarily demoted, thus have to walk round and round in fucking circles every sodding twenty minutes to look at people who are, quite sensibly, asleep. Operation Shawshank, for the love of God, will you HURRY UP...
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