Prince Harry is said to be 'delighted' at the news that his brother, William, will be marrying fiancée, Kate Middleton, sometime next year.
Harry, who is permanently pissed, rushed straight to a fancy dress shop upon hearing the news and purchased an appropriate outfit for the big day. The details of his intended attire are meant to be a secret at this time, but rumours indicate the outfit will be white.
'The outfit is a flowing white robe,' confirmed fancy dress shop owner, David Smythe, 'it's a fairly subtle little number, with a really fucking pointy hat, a mask and a splash of colour in the form of a red badge on the left breast.' The wedding has put big smiles on the faces of Daily Mail readers, who are petitioning for the day itself to be made a national holiday to allow for the middle-class to throw street parties, whilst chavs burgle their empty homes.
'The wedding day should bloody well be a national holiday!' exclaims Terence White, a retired accountant from Northumberland: 'this bloody well has a two-fold benefit: firstly, I will get bloody drunk on red wine and bloody well drive my car, because I'm a retired middle-class gentleman, so the law bloody well allows me to do this.' Mr White rubs at his crusty red-wine lips before continuing: 'Secondly, it will bloody well bankrupt all those smelly little businesses who cannot bloody well afford to pay staff double-time for bank holiday working. I bloody well buy everything on the interweb. Diana is dead. Hold me.'
Prince Philip is also said to be delighted at the news, as this will allow William to engage in traditional sex: 'They have been practising with anal sex for years,' he says 'Just like me and the missus. She allows me up the wrong'un if she does something awful, like that thing with the Corgi and the peanut butter, or if she forgets to laugh at one of my bigoted, racist jokes at a public event. It's a fucking lovely treat.'
Karina Evans 2010