MPs may be forced into a landmark vote on whether to reinstate the death penalty, due to a magical new scheme in which ordinary people use their Twitter powers to make other people think the same stuff that they are thinking.
If any one Tweeter can think good or bad thoughts hard enough to make one hundred thousand followers think exactly what they are thinking, MPs will probably have to think about it too, and possibly discuss the matter in the House of Commons. John Barnaby; a sixty-five year old from a bungalow, has recently joined Twitter in an effort to initiate an e-petition that will stop people doing things that he thinks the Daily Mail wouldn't approve of. 'I have opinions and morals that are mostly vague and unsubstantiated,' says Mr Barnaby. 'People who don't agree with me make me a bit bloody angry. I think.' Mr Barnaby tightly closes his eyes, shakes his head and takes a deep breath, before continuing: 'I would hold hands with a leper, but not with a dirty paedo. I went on Twitter to raise awareness. Twitter is a tool. I like my wife to dress my table nicely at Christmas, and also to cook everything. I enjoy a glass of red wine with beef. All immigrants are criminals. All criminals are immigrants. Kill.'
Commons leader, Sir George Young, welcomes the e-petition: 'You may think that we think that you think we think it's perishing nuisance.' says Sir George Young. 'But, the MPs are having an absolute WHALE of a time; thinking about stuff and thinking in different directions towards each other, and then trying out different ways to hang each other. One of them actually came up with a jolly good idea, and has been practising for days, to see whether it could work. Look.' Sir Young points at the doorframe, on which hangs a Tory MP, clad only in stockings, dangling from a satin-covered rope. 'If you look closely, you can see a large orange protruding from his arse. See?'
Karina Evans 2011