High street fashion chain, Next, have admitted that offensive comments and death threats posted on Facebook came directly from them, not a hacker as first reported.
The comments were posted as the chain launched a Facebook page to find two new baby models, and were directed at the parents of the 'really fucking ugly' babies.
'The standard was appallingly low,' states a Next spokesperson. 'We had to swiftly address the issue. Every morning we would check Facebook, praying for a sexy little mite, only to be faced with skinny, ugly fuckers. Nobody wants to buy clothes that have been modelled by a fucking ugly, probably bastard, child. They should actually die.'
The mother of one of the 'fucking ugly' children says resignedly: 'Yes, Lambreeney is fucking ugly, I very much appreciate being told. I have now drowned him.'
Karina Evans 2010
Showing posts with label violation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label violation. Show all posts
Sunday, 31 October 2010
Friday, 22 October 2010
Euromillions winners to remain anonymous
The winners of the £113 million Euromillions prize have finally come forward to claim their money. They are believed to be a syndicate of four men, who do not wish their identities to be revealed in case people insist they buy them presents.
'We do not wish for our identities to be revealed' said 44-year-old David Cameron from London. 'I have an important job and lots of money anyway, and more money I can claim back in taxes, and more money from taking money from people, and now I have even more money. I think if people know who I am, those people might want me to buy them presents or give them back some of their money that I took from the money they earned'.
Another member of the syndicate, 24-year-old Wayne Rooney, declined to comment, merely shouting 'Old. Whore. Fisting. Here. Please' out of the hotel window, in the general direction of a local bingo hall. He caught the eye of a passing geriatric, who struggled up the stairs clutching a pot of Vaseline and some fingerless gloves. She also declined to comment, but is believed to be Marjorie Trent, an unemployed 97-year-old, with a DWP-subsidised colour television licence.
The third winner is definitely George Osborne. George has been in hiding since Tuesday. Reports suggest that he had been slowly and miserably masturbating with £50 notes, before his Polish cleaner, also in the Euromillions syndicate, waved the winning ticket at him. Dariusz Wysocki, 16 is reported to be the brains behind the recent UK spending cut, despite only knowing 3 English words: 'yes', 'George' and 'harder'.
The four have stated that the money will not change them, vowing that they will remain 'smug, gerontophile, nationally loathed, mercenary wankers'.
'We do not wish for our identities to be revealed' said 44-year-old David Cameron from London. 'I have an important job and lots of money anyway, and more money I can claim back in taxes, and more money from taking money from people, and now I have even more money. I think if people know who I am, those people might want me to buy them presents or give them back some of their money that I took from the money they earned'.
Another member of the syndicate, 24-year-old Wayne Rooney, declined to comment, merely shouting 'Old. Whore. Fisting. Here. Please' out of the hotel window, in the general direction of a local bingo hall. He caught the eye of a passing geriatric, who struggled up the stairs clutching a pot of Vaseline and some fingerless gloves. She also declined to comment, but is believed to be Marjorie Trent, an unemployed 97-year-old, with a DWP-subsidised colour television licence.
The third winner is definitely George Osborne. George has been in hiding since Tuesday. Reports suggest that he had been slowly and miserably masturbating with £50 notes, before his Polish cleaner, also in the Euromillions syndicate, waved the winning ticket at him. Dariusz Wysocki, 16 is reported to be the brains behind the recent UK spending cut, despite only knowing 3 English words: 'yes', 'George' and 'harder'.
The four have stated that the money will not change them, vowing that they will remain 'smug, gerontophile, nationally loathed, mercenary wankers'.
Tuesday, 15 June 2010
Round and round and round
I am at work. 'What a stupid time to be at work', I hear you cry, and I am inclined to agree. This is for three main reasons: the first being that it is four-oh-fucking-five in the morning. The second is that I have had to bloody well drive all the way to Eastbourne for the 'pleasure', and the third that I have been temporarily demoted, thus have to walk round and round in fucking circles every sodding twenty minutes to look at people who are, quite sensibly, asleep. Operation Shawshank, for the love of God, will you HURRY UP...
Monday, 14 June 2010
All the best laid plans
Right. Fairly productive morning, as I have already completed the following tasks:
Inadvertently shown the meter-reading man my nipples
Had a cup of coffee
Decided what I am going to do for the rest of the day.
That brings me nicely to the tasks I must complete:
Finish poem that I never should have started: it is the poetry equivalent of emotional bulimia, thus is eating my brain
Finish doodle article
Eat crisps
Sleep
Go to work
Get changed into more substantial clothes, lest I scare the postman.
All the best laid plans...
Inadvertently shown the meter-reading man my nipples
Had a cup of coffee
Decided what I am going to do for the rest of the day.
That brings me nicely to the tasks I must complete:
Finish poem that I never should have started: it is the poetry equivalent of emotional bulimia, thus is eating my brain
Finish doodle article
Eat crisps
Sleep
Go to work
Get changed into more substantial clothes, lest I scare the postman.
All the best laid plans...
Location:Parker Rd,Hastings,United Kingdom
Wednesday, 9 June 2010
Curious oranges
I used to quite like a programme called 'This Morning With Richard, Not Judy' in which there was a curious orange. The orange was rather cynical, much like myself, and therefore I insist that if anyone decides to liken me to a fruit in the future I am likened to a curious orange. The only problem being that I do not have banana fingers.
PS. Today I was forced to write poems about blue strawberries and sweaty socks. I feel emotionally violated.
PS. Today I was forced to write poems about blue strawberries and sweaty socks. I feel emotionally violated.
Location:Parker Rd,Hastings,United Kingdom
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)