The winners of the £113 million Euromillions prize have finally come forward to claim their money. They are believed to be a syndicate of four men, who do not wish their identities to be revealed in case people insist they buy them presents.
'We do not wish for our identities to be revealed' said 44-year-old David Cameron from London. 'I have an important job and lots of money anyway, and more money I can claim back in taxes, and more money from taking money from people, and now I have even more money. I think if people know who I am, those people might want me to buy them presents or give them back some of their money that I took from the money they earned'.
Another member of the syndicate, 24-year-old Wayne Rooney, declined to comment, merely shouting 'Old. Whore. Fisting. Here. Please' out of the hotel window, in the general direction of a local bingo hall. He caught the eye of a passing geriatric, who struggled up the stairs clutching a pot of Vaseline and some fingerless gloves. She also declined to comment, but is believed to be Marjorie Trent, an unemployed 97-year-old, with a DWP-subsidised colour television licence.
The third winner is definitely George Osborne. George has been in hiding since Tuesday. Reports suggest that he had been slowly and miserably masturbating with £50 notes, before his Polish cleaner, also in the Euromillions syndicate, waved the winning ticket at him. Dariusz Wysocki, 16 is reported to be the brains behind the recent UK spending cut, despite only knowing 3 English words: 'yes', 'George' and 'harder'.
The four have stated that the money will not change them, vowing that they will remain 'smug, gerontophile, nationally loathed, mercenary wankers'.