Following the furore surrounding the name ‘Mohammed’ being revealed as the number one boys’ name in the United Kingdom and Wales, the government have hit back by imposing an interim law insisting all newborn babies are named ‘Jack’ or ‘Elsie’.
The official list, which covers the birth of all babies in England and Wales in 2009, reveals that ‘Mohammed’ is officially 16th on the list, but derivations of the name were also taken into consideration, pushing it to number one for the first time.
Government spokesman, Jack White, triumphantly crows: ‘We need to bring back other names, or other names will become extinct, like the dodo did. Therefore, we are absolutely insisting that everyone calls their baby either Jack or Elsie. Depending on gender.'
Jennifer ‘Mohammed’ Sykes, who assisted in compiling the list, states: ‘unfortunately, we hit a bit of an obstacle. We wanted to cause a massive backlash, and induce a little racial hatred, but couldn’t with ‘Mohammed’ at stupid number fucking 16.'
Jennifer wipes away a small smug tear, before continuing:
‘We needed more Mohammeds. It was then decided that any derivation of the name Mohammed would therefore count and push it up the list, thus making people who are fundamentally racist; but pretend not to be; very fucking angry indeed. We ended up counting other names beginning with ‘M’, and it eventually made it to number one. Whoop.’
The derivations of the name ‘Mohammed’ that were included in the final count are listed below:
Karina Evans 2010