Dear Sir/Madam,
I have recently become a little distressed about the weather. The aforementioned distressing weather has resulted in many an hour walking to and from work, wondering how I can make a difference.
Unfortunately, no ideas have materialised during my solitary rambles, possibly because I have been spending most of the time deftly jumping out of the way of cars that have been sliding in my general direction. I have no evidence that these incidents have been intended maliciously.
However; this morning, I washed and dried my hair. Nothing unusual about this, as I have an image to uphold. Whilst I used my hairdryer, my frozen fingers began to thaw, leading me to happen upon an interesting train of thought:
Ice + hairdryer = thaw.
Why salt? It would not even occur to me to put salt upon my frozen digits, in fact, I feel it would be a little pointless. It is at this point that I would like to share my wisdom. Why haven’t the council invested in a large industrial strength hairdryer? The ice would melt and the cars would be able to safely navigate the (currently) treacherous roads.
I, for one, would be happy to hold it.
If there are any profits stemming from my idea, I would ask for only ten percent. I am quite laid back, with a great sense of humour, therefore would make a stunning business partner.
Just an idea, your thoughts please.
Karina Evans 2010
Saturday, 18 December 2010
Sunday, 21 November 2010
Cigarettes 'no better than paedophiles' state Ministers
Government ministers and anti-smoking groups have abandoned their campaign to stop adults smoking, and are instead focussing their attentions on stopping cigarette manufacturers pasting glitter and cartoon characters on packaging.
Currently, cigarette manufacturers hire illustrators from well-loved children’s television programmes, such as Teletubbies and Pokemon, in an effort to attract toddler smokers. Under the government’s proposal, these pictures will be replaced with either a picture of an old person burning in hell, or someone with the skin ripped clean from their lips, after leaving a cigarette in their mouth for far too long.
‘It’s wrong that children are being attracted to smoke by fucking glitzy designs on packets,’ mumbles Health Secretary, Andrew Lansley. ‘It’s akin to dressing a dirty paedophile in a fluffy teddy-bear suit and expecting a child not to be attracted to him.'
Mother of four, Theresa Sandwell agrees ‘I agree with that bloke. The other day I went into my local shop to buy some sweets for my 2-year-old, Triton. He was attracted to the glitzy packaging on the cigarettes that were stored behind the counter; alongside the alcohol, condoms, razors and knives, and so I bought him some. He’s now an addict. Give him heroin.'
Martin Dockrell, director of policy and research at Action on Smoking and Health (ASH) backs this view; ‘See? I’m right. They use it [packaging] to seduce our kids.' Mr Dockrell looks around conspiringly, before whispering: ‘I’m not a smoker, but I carry empty packets with me. It helps.’
Karina Evans 2010
Currently, cigarette manufacturers hire illustrators from well-loved children’s television programmes, such as Teletubbies and Pokemon, in an effort to attract toddler smokers. Under the government’s proposal, these pictures will be replaced with either a picture of an old person burning in hell, or someone with the skin ripped clean from their lips, after leaving a cigarette in their mouth for far too long.
‘It’s wrong that children are being attracted to smoke by fucking glitzy designs on packets,’ mumbles Health Secretary, Andrew Lansley. ‘It’s akin to dressing a dirty paedophile in a fluffy teddy-bear suit and expecting a child not to be attracted to him.'
Mother of four, Theresa Sandwell agrees ‘I agree with that bloke. The other day I went into my local shop to buy some sweets for my 2-year-old, Triton. He was attracted to the glitzy packaging on the cigarettes that were stored behind the counter; alongside the alcohol, condoms, razors and knives, and so I bought him some. He’s now an addict. Give him heroin.'
Martin Dockrell, director of policy and research at Action on Smoking and Health (ASH) backs this view; ‘See? I’m right. They use it [packaging] to seduce our kids.' Mr Dockrell looks around conspiringly, before whispering: ‘I’m not a smoker, but I carry empty packets with me. It helps.’
Karina Evans 2010
Wednesday, 17 November 2010
Harry Chooses Wedding Outfit
Prince Harry is said to be 'delighted' at the news that his brother, William, will be marrying fiancée, Kate Middleton, sometime next year.
Harry, who is permanently pissed, rushed straight to a fancy dress shop upon hearing the news and purchased an appropriate outfit for the big day. The details of his intended attire are meant to be a secret at this time, but rumours indicate the outfit will be white.
'The outfit is a flowing white robe,' confirmed fancy dress shop owner, David Smythe, 'it's a fairly subtle little number, with a really fucking pointy hat, a mask and a splash of colour in the form of a red badge on the left breast.' The wedding has put big smiles on the faces of Daily Mail readers, who are petitioning for the day itself to be made a national holiday to allow for the middle-class to throw street parties, whilst chavs burgle their empty homes.
'The wedding day should bloody well be a national holiday!' exclaims Terence White, a retired accountant from Northumberland: 'this bloody well has a two-fold benefit: firstly, I will get bloody drunk on red wine and bloody well drive my car, because I'm a retired middle-class gentleman, so the law bloody well allows me to do this.' Mr White rubs at his crusty red-wine lips before continuing: 'Secondly, it will bloody well bankrupt all those smelly little businesses who cannot bloody well afford to pay staff double-time for bank holiday working. I bloody well buy everything on the interweb. Diana is dead. Hold me.'
Prince Philip is also said to be delighted at the news, as this will allow William to engage in traditional sex: 'They have been practising with anal sex for years,' he says 'Just like me and the missus. She allows me up the wrong'un if she does something awful, like that thing with the Corgi and the peanut butter, or if she forgets to laugh at one of my bigoted, racist jokes at a public event. It's a fucking lovely treat.'
Karina Evans 2010
Harry, who is permanently pissed, rushed straight to a fancy dress shop upon hearing the news and purchased an appropriate outfit for the big day. The details of his intended attire are meant to be a secret at this time, but rumours indicate the outfit will be white.
'The outfit is a flowing white robe,' confirmed fancy dress shop owner, David Smythe, 'it's a fairly subtle little number, with a really fucking pointy hat, a mask and a splash of colour in the form of a red badge on the left breast.' The wedding has put big smiles on the faces of Daily Mail readers, who are petitioning for the day itself to be made a national holiday to allow for the middle-class to throw street parties, whilst chavs burgle their empty homes.
'The wedding day should bloody well be a national holiday!' exclaims Terence White, a retired accountant from Northumberland: 'this bloody well has a two-fold benefit: firstly, I will get bloody drunk on red wine and bloody well drive my car, because I'm a retired middle-class gentleman, so the law bloody well allows me to do this.' Mr White rubs at his crusty red-wine lips before continuing: 'Secondly, it will bloody well bankrupt all those smelly little businesses who cannot bloody well afford to pay staff double-time for bank holiday working. I bloody well buy everything on the interweb. Diana is dead. Hold me.'
Prince Philip is also said to be delighted at the news, as this will allow William to engage in traditional sex: 'They have been practising with anal sex for years,' he says 'Just like me and the missus. She allows me up the wrong'un if she does something awful, like that thing with the Corgi and the peanut butter, or if she forgets to laugh at one of my bigoted, racist jokes at a public event. It's a fucking lovely treat.'
Karina Evans 2010
Monday, 1 November 2010
Teenage Girls Don't Deserve to Have Safe Sex
A few people are furious at news that teenage girls in the Isle of Wight will soon be able to access the contraceptive pill at their local pharmacy. In a controversial scheme; girls aged 13 and over who pick up the morning-after pill at a pharmacy, will be given a month’s supply of Desogestrel; a contraceptive pill. Politicians, church figures, and a mother have voiced their opinions on the controversial move, amid concerns that it will force young teenage girls to have sex safely.
‘It’s sexualising young teenagers, and priming them for underage sex,’ rants Antonia Tully, a mother of four. ‘No potentially pregnant teenage girl would ever consider ever, ever, ever having sex again, until a fuckwit pharmacist-bitch thrusts Desogestrel at her with her slutty, cum-soaked fingers, whilst huskily mouthing the lyrics to ‘Move Closer’ through her slightly pursed, pillar-box red, overblown blow-job lips.'
Conservative MP, Andrew Turner, adds: ‘Teenage girls have sex; it’s a sad sex-fact that we need to put an end to. They certainly don't deserve the luxury of safe sex. We don’t wish to condone sex in any way, shape or form by offering them a sex safety-net. We have held a sex meeting and conclude that the only way to stop this sex is to withdraw all types of sex contraceptives available to teenage sex-sluts. This will ensure that they stay safely indoors, pseudo-sexing Barbie dolls with their brother’s sex sperm.'
Ten of the island’s thirty pharmacies will take part in the scheme, implemented by the Isle of Wight’s Primary Care Trust. The Reverend Anthony Glaysher, from the Catholic diocese of Portsmouth is angry and more than a little confused: ‘three hundred unwanted babies are better than none, and also, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. A stitch in time saves nine. Syphilis is a gift; today is yesterday, tomorrow is a present; unwrap it. Fuck me.'
Karina Evans 2010
‘It’s sexualising young teenagers, and priming them for underage sex,’ rants Antonia Tully, a mother of four. ‘No potentially pregnant teenage girl would ever consider ever, ever, ever having sex again, until a fuckwit pharmacist-bitch thrusts Desogestrel at her with her slutty, cum-soaked fingers, whilst huskily mouthing the lyrics to ‘Move Closer’ through her slightly pursed, pillar-box red, overblown blow-job lips.'
Conservative MP, Andrew Turner, adds: ‘Teenage girls have sex; it’s a sad sex-fact that we need to put an end to. They certainly don't deserve the luxury of safe sex. We don’t wish to condone sex in any way, shape or form by offering them a sex safety-net. We have held a sex meeting and conclude that the only way to stop this sex is to withdraw all types of sex contraceptives available to teenage sex-sluts. This will ensure that they stay safely indoors, pseudo-sexing Barbie dolls with their brother’s sex sperm.'
Ten of the island’s thirty pharmacies will take part in the scheme, implemented by the Isle of Wight’s Primary Care Trust. The Reverend Anthony Glaysher, from the Catholic diocese of Portsmouth is angry and more than a little confused: ‘three hundred unwanted babies are better than none, and also, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. A stitch in time saves nine. Syphilis is a gift; today is yesterday, tomorrow is a present; unwrap it. Fuck me.'
Karina Evans 2010
Sunday, 31 October 2010
Baby Modelling Contest NOT hijacked admit Next
High street fashion chain, Next, have admitted that offensive comments and death threats posted on Facebook came directly from them, not a hacker as first reported.
The comments were posted as the chain launched a Facebook page to find two new baby models, and were directed at the parents of the 'really fucking ugly' babies.
'The standard was appallingly low,' states a Next spokesperson. 'We had to swiftly address the issue. Every morning we would check Facebook, praying for a sexy little mite, only to be faced with skinny, ugly fuckers. Nobody wants to buy clothes that have been modelled by a fucking ugly, probably bastard, child. They should actually die.'
The mother of one of the 'fucking ugly' children says resignedly: 'Yes, Lambreeney is fucking ugly, I very much appreciate being told. I have now drowned him.'
Karina Evans 2010
The comments were posted as the chain launched a Facebook page to find two new baby models, and were directed at the parents of the 'really fucking ugly' babies.
'The standard was appallingly low,' states a Next spokesperson. 'We had to swiftly address the issue. Every morning we would check Facebook, praying for a sexy little mite, only to be faced with skinny, ugly fuckers. Nobody wants to buy clothes that have been modelled by a fucking ugly, probably bastard, child. They should actually die.'
The mother of one of the 'fucking ugly' children says resignedly: 'Yes, Lambreeney is fucking ugly, I very much appreciate being told. I have now drowned him.'
Karina Evans 2010
Thursday, 28 October 2010
All New Children to be Named Jack or Elsie
Following the furore surrounding the name ‘Mohammed’ being revealed as the number one boys’ name in the United Kingdom and Wales, the government have hit back by imposing an interim law insisting all newborn babies are named ‘Jack’ or ‘Elsie’.
The official list, which covers the birth of all babies in England and Wales in 2009, reveals that ‘Mohammed’ is officially 16th on the list, but derivations of the name were also taken into consideration, pushing it to number one for the first time.
Government spokesman, Jack White, triumphantly crows: ‘We need to bring back other names, or other names will become extinct, like the dodo did. Therefore, we are absolutely insisting that everyone calls their baby either Jack or Elsie. Depending on gender.'
Jennifer ‘Mohammed’ Sykes, who assisted in compiling the list, states: ‘unfortunately, we hit a bit of an obstacle. We wanted to cause a massive backlash, and induce a little racial hatred, but couldn’t with ‘Mohammed’ at stupid number fucking 16.'
Jennifer wipes away a small smug tear, before continuing:
‘We needed more Mohammeds. It was then decided that any derivation of the name Mohammed would therefore count and push it up the list, thus making people who are fundamentally racist; but pretend not to be; very fucking angry indeed. We ended up counting other names beginning with ‘M’, and it eventually made it to number one. Whoop.’
The derivations of the name ‘Mohammed’ that were included in the final count are listed below:
Mohammed
Muhammed
Mahamed
Mahama
Ma
Martin
Mark
Max
Maxwell
Minnie
Mickey
Bob
Karina Evans 2010
The official list, which covers the birth of all babies in England and Wales in 2009, reveals that ‘Mohammed’ is officially 16th on the list, but derivations of the name were also taken into consideration, pushing it to number one for the first time.
Government spokesman, Jack White, triumphantly crows: ‘We need to bring back other names, or other names will become extinct, like the dodo did. Therefore, we are absolutely insisting that everyone calls their baby either Jack or Elsie. Depending on gender.'
Jennifer ‘Mohammed’ Sykes, who assisted in compiling the list, states: ‘unfortunately, we hit a bit of an obstacle. We wanted to cause a massive backlash, and induce a little racial hatred, but couldn’t with ‘Mohammed’ at stupid number fucking 16.'
Jennifer wipes away a small smug tear, before continuing:
‘We needed more Mohammeds. It was then decided that any derivation of the name Mohammed would therefore count and push it up the list, thus making people who are fundamentally racist; but pretend not to be; very fucking angry indeed. We ended up counting other names beginning with ‘M’, and it eventually made it to number one. Whoop.’
The derivations of the name ‘Mohammed’ that were included in the final count are listed below:
Mohammed
Muhammed
Mahamed
Mahama
Ma
Martin
Mark
Max
Maxwell
Minnie
Mickey
Bob
Karina Evans 2010
Tuesday, 26 October 2010
London's Burning
The heartbreaking song 'London's Burning' could become a stark reality, if the proposed firefighters' strike goes ahead on Bonfire Night this year.
The Fire Brigade Union have told firefighters not to fetch the engines on 5th November, even when begged to by people in pain, squealing with terror, with sparklers stuck up their noses. They are planning to strike against proposed plans to change their shift pattern to something disturbingly shit.
Union chairman, Brian Coleman, states: 'This is appalling. Fight fire with fire. There's no smoke without fire. Too many fires spoil the fire. Firestarter, twisted firestarter. What was the question?'
The proposed shift pattern change is to incorporate community work, during the longer, less fiery, day shifts. London Fire Commissioner, Ron Dobson, defended the proposed change: 'they'll be able to give out free smoke alarms to people who can’t be arsed to buy them themselves. I don't really see the problem. Pour the water. FIRE FIRE, etcetera.'
Parliament’s All Party Fire Safety and Rescue Group member and Tory MP, Nadhim Zahawi, has called for ministers to enforce a no-strike ban on firefighters. 'They should put up and shut up,' stormed Mr Zahawi, 'I'm not threatening them, but if they don't call off this strike, I'm going to hunt them down and kill each and every fucking one of them, then fight all the fires myself. With fucking fire.'
Karina Evans 2010
The Fire Brigade Union have told firefighters not to fetch the engines on 5th November, even when begged to by people in pain, squealing with terror, with sparklers stuck up their noses. They are planning to strike against proposed plans to change their shift pattern to something disturbingly shit.
Union chairman, Brian Coleman, states: 'This is appalling. Fight fire with fire. There's no smoke without fire. Too many fires spoil the fire. Firestarter, twisted firestarter. What was the question?'
The proposed shift pattern change is to incorporate community work, during the longer, less fiery, day shifts. London Fire Commissioner, Ron Dobson, defended the proposed change: 'they'll be able to give out free smoke alarms to people who can’t be arsed to buy them themselves. I don't really see the problem. Pour the water. FIRE FIRE, etcetera.'
Parliament’s All Party Fire Safety and Rescue Group member and Tory MP, Nadhim Zahawi, has called for ministers to enforce a no-strike ban on firefighters. 'They should put up and shut up,' stormed Mr Zahawi, 'I'm not threatening them, but if they don't call off this strike, I'm going to hunt them down and kill each and every fucking one of them, then fight all the fires myself. With fucking fire.'
Karina Evans 2010
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