Doctors’ organisations in the country are working together to form a campaign to combat the United Kingdom’s obesity epidemic. The campaign proposes exercise awareness, ‘fat taxes’ and banning or restricting fast-food advertising.
‘Up to twenty-five percent of the United Kingdom’s population are said to be obese, but it is very difficult to pinpoint an exact number as they sort of wobble into each other, making it impossible to count them,’ says Professor Terence Stephenson, a spokesman for the campaign. ‘Imagine two jellies on a plate; a yellow one and an orange one. If you shake them to parody fat people walking, you will see they touch each other and soon begin to BECOME each other. Yum. This is why I can’t count fat people. And also because I have only ten fingers, two of which are thumbs, and there are more than ten fat people in the UK.’
The Royal Medical Colleges and Faculties are also concerned about the Olympic sponsorship from the fast-food giant; McDonalds. ‘McDonalds makes people fat. This is a fact. A fact which fucking worries me. It fucking worries me that people will travel from other countries to watch the healthy, sexy, Olympic games and be encouraged to eat seventy-five burgers, then go home all fat,’ mutters a spokesman through a mouthful of Haribo. ‘This will result in one of seven outcomes. The first potential outcome is the world tipping clean off its fucking axis due to all the fatty chompers and we will all fall off. Secondly, when our Olympic visitors return home, their family and friends will notice they have become fat whilst in England, therefore England will henceforth be known as FuckingFattyland and we will be internationally bullied. Seventhly, and definitely most terribly; our beautiful, skinny, skinny, beautiful athletes will start eating burgers instead of raw eggs, spinach and tofu; they’ll be too fat to run. Fat is not sexy. Thin is sexy. I am a pest.’
Professor Stephenson suggests that a ‘fat tax’ and pointing and laughing at fat people is the most effective way of dealing with the growing issue. ‘There is nothing like humiliation to garner enthusiasm,’ he says whilst masturbating furiously. ‘Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to persecute them, I am merely trying to control the huge number of them. They are no longer fetishist if you see hundreds every day, wobbling their delicious flesh. Squash me.’