Thursday 19 April 2012

Olympic torch really very broken

Stringent tests have been carried out on the Olympic torch to ensure it is capable of withstanding anything that could possible happen to it, ever. The tests were conducted by Basildon-based Tecoism Technical Simulation, working alongside Bullfinch; the engineers who designed the burner inside the torch.
The torch needed to be able to withstand extremes of temperature, extremes of weather and certain other criteria, before being described as weatherproof by Olympic organisers, Locog.
Tecoism’s MD, Stuart Hawker, oversaw the tests, before the findings were reported back to Locog; the Olympic organisers.
‘I oversaw the tests on Torchy,’ states Mr Hawker, fondly. ‘We needed to make sure that not only could Torchy bear up in this hideous English weather, but that she could also be abused with little or no physical ramifications. It is for this reason, and ONLY this reason, that I have a bit of Torchy left inside my anus. It is certainly a minor infection risk.’
Clare Pelly was project manager for torch production for Locog. ‘We thoroughly enjoyed pushing the torch to the very limits of its capabilities. Sadly, we can’t trust the general public to light it and turn it off and all that shit, what with their crapness at barbecues and whatnot, so we have asked the Metropolitan Police to waste their resources on being Torch turnerofferers. Operation Torcherfucker. Also, whilst you’re here: it was ME who sucked up all the water from the reservoirs with a straw. I am saving it for the opening ceremony, whereupon I shall spit it into cups for the overseas visitors. Overseas visitors are, incidentally, phenomenally more important than residents of the United Kingdom. Sadly, after all the stringent tests, the torch is now really fucking broken. Broken Britain. Fucking Tories. Broken fucking Tory Britain. Fuck ‘em. Set fire to them. Set fire to the Tories. Dance with me.’
Karina Evans 2012

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