Friday, 13 April 2012

Royal Mail makes stamps really fucking expensive

Royal Mail have taken the bold move to ration stamps in the lead-up to the unprecedented price rise, due on 30th April.
A spokesman for Royal Mail states that the move is to prevent people stockpiling thousands and thousands and thousands of stamps to avoid paying the extra fourteen pence; a first class stamp is due to rise to sixty whole pence and a second class stamp to fifty whole pence. 'They're still an actual bargain,' giggles the spokesman coquettishly. 'We at Royal Mail will make absolutely certain that the general public sluts are not able to save any money in any way whatsoever. We have already stopped Superdrug in its tracks; the whore ran out. Stamp whores, fuck whores, fuck stamps.' The spokesman sips some pink lemonade and spins in his chair until dizzy and sick, stopping only to fire stamps out of an adapted BB gun.
One member of the public told us that he is planning to buy a million stamps in advance, to avoid the significant increase in cost. 'I can't really afford it,' states the gentleman, who wishes to remain anonymous, 'but I will sell my house if need be. Stamps are robust and extra sticky, so I could always live in a stamp house for a while. Do you have any gingerbread?'
The Royal Mail says that the extra revenue generated from the price rise will go towards 'important and sexily interesting things, namely a massive stamp-themed party, in which we hope the Queen will arrive with her beautiful face covered in stamps, which in turn, are stamped with her beautiful face.'
The Queen declined to comment.

4 comments:

  1. I've got 4 first class stamps left from a book of 6 somewhere. Should I be worried about break ins now?

    I'm scared, tonight I shall sleep with a clothes brush under my pillow, and throw it any one who tries to nick my precious self adhesive mini queen portraits.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Stick them on the bottom of your feet, or between your toes. Nobody burgles feet.

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    2. Deliver the letter yourself you twat.

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    3. Personally, I would have put a comma between 'yourself' and 'you'. You cunt.

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